sunburst

dorothea, Taylor Swift
You know, you'll always know me

“They’re going to love you,” Jeonghan says quietly. “It’s impossible not to. There’s no one who’s as good as you. One day you’re going to realize that and you’re going to forget that you were ever this scared.”

I first knew I wanted to write this fic in January of 2021, mostly on account of SVT Club episode 8. You know, the one with the cows? At first I really wasn’t sure what the plot could be besides There’s A Cow and Jeonghan and Seokmin, a.k.a. sort of like God’s Own Country or First Cow, just vibes and farmland. But then I listened to dorothea on loop one too many times and that video of Jeonghan talking about his experience watching Xcalibur kept coming up on my TL, and I was like, Oh. Right.

I kept thinking about a key thing I wanted to include in this fic and I hope I managed to do it in the end: This idea that Jeonghan is selfless to the point of backing away entirely once Seokmin has, in his eyes, self-actualized. The whole of chapter one has this sort of preemptive wistfulness from Jeonghan. He already knows what’s going to happen, where Seokmin is going to go, and he knows he’ll be unable to follow.

Strawberry Blond, Mitski
And the grass where you lay left a bed in your shape / I looked over it and I ached

Hopelessly head over heels, idealistic and impulsive. Unprepared for what troubles and realities lie ahead.

The Yearning Song! Writing Seokmin POV doesn’t really come natural to me, and up until two weeks before the fic was due, the setting and many of the characters were completely different (it was originally gonna be like a Hollywood AU??? with a whole seokhao subplot inspired by this 17hols prompt idek) but then I decided to rewrite it entirely because I felt like I was very stuck and maybe overcomplicating things.

Instead of doing some structural things I had planned previously (switching POVs and nonlinearity and a bunch of other stuff), I took inspiration from the structure of Moonlight, only with 2 main chapters instead of 3. Definitely the brief scenes with just Jeonghan and Seokmin alone together, marinating in their mutual pining, were some of my very favorites to write and sort of put the rest of the story into focus for me.

Thinkin Bout You, Frank Ocean
Or do you not think so far ahead? / Cause I been thinkin bout forever

Jeonghan laughs. It’s a nervous sound. “No, no, don’t say that, you’re about to make it big. What’s the point of thinking about me?”

This is The Song that inspired this entire fic. I think what it represents in the context of this story could be taken from either Seokmin or Jeonghan’s point of view to varying effect. Like— in Seokmin’s eyes, forever is in relation to Jeonghan his feelings for him, but in Jeonghan’s eyes, forever is in relation to reality. Long-term reality. I also think the Verse 2 lyrics are so extremely Jeonghan. In this story I wanted to make him talented and smart but pragmatic, pushing Seokmin away because of that. He is trying his very best, but he believes his best is not nearly enough.

紅豆, Khalil Fong
Maybe you'll accompany me in persevering

“But it’s mostly about four theatre performers, like, how their lives change through time, you know? Oh, and my favorite part is, one of them says, How’s the big wide world? And the other one says, I kept moving.”

I think the start of chapter 2 has some On the Beach at Night Alone vibes. Except Seokmin isn’t alone, because he has Junhui. Yes this was me vicariously writing out my daydreams about actor Jun and also svt in Shenzhen one plus one am I right T__T Junhui is so important in this story as someone who is trying his best to locate and follow his true passions even if it’s difficult so I of course had to incorporate one of his wonderful song recommendations as inspiration.

Soonyoung and Junhui are both really important to the second chapter and its theme I think. Around the time I was really struggling with finishing it, I was also going through some big life changes and I kept wondering how anyone copes with diverging paths and change and the people you love becoming distant both literally and figuratively. But I really think it’s about the moments where you can be together and you’re able to recapture it briefly. Friendship is a mutual agreement to keep persevering together and apart and everything.

Wasteland, Baby!, Hozier
Be still, my indelible friend / You are unbreaking

Jeonghan doesn't move away. His chin digs into Seokmin's shoulder. Their shadows on the dusky green of the shed wall look like one body.

This song!!! How quiet and beautiful, but also how raw it is underneath all that. This is really what I wanted chapter 2 to feel like. The juxtaposition of the urgency of the present, how things feel so catastrophic and impossible, and also how that can be overcome by these hushed, warm moments. The two of them in the shed with So-yah as it snows outside, or the bathtub scene, or in the kitchen just before the sun rises.

Like Sylvia Plath said, We grow. It hurts at first.

I think the ending of this story is one of my favorite favorite endings I’ve ever written. It was a big challenge for me to finish it, and honestly for a period I never thought I’d be able to, but I’m glad I did. I’m full of love for this Seokmin and this Jeonghan and in my mind, after this fic ends, I know they’re going to try and figure it out together.

I’m horrible at responding to comments because it feels like I can’t express my gratitude well enough. To be honest, before I finished this fic, I was feeling negative and strange about my writing, like I wasn’t utilizing it to its full potential, or that it wasn’t as meaningful/allusive as I’d like it to be. I’m not very generous to myself.

But when people tell me words I wrote made them feel something, I remember it. I really remember it. So thank you for everything, truly.